How to pair the correct wine with your sofa
(Another joint post, or, in the case of Spike Lee, would it be a joint joint? In the case of Kid ‘n’ Play, would we be fly on a plane to New York? It depends on what we be wearing)
Christie recently got her first big girl couch from Crate & Barrel, and I recently became a homeowner again, which means I was thinking about getting a big girl couch from Crate & Barrel until I realized that I had spent all my money on the home buying process (which is how it always works). Fortunately, I had a friend who moved out of the country and needed to get rid of a couch to the tune of $50, which was well within my house poor budget.
So now I have a brown couch, just like I had a brown couch before I bought this place, in the furnished place I was renting from ANOTHER friend who lived out of the country. I don’t particularly like brown couches, but I do like free-to-cheap couches, as long as they’re pest-free (aside from Zelda cat). The right wine to pair with this couch is a magnum of Yellow Tail Moscato, which is usually what Dad brings when he comes to visit, since he saw me order Muscadet at a bistro once and filed something away in that Dad brain of his. Not the same, Dad; not the same.
If I were to select a Crate & Barrel couch to replace this brown couch, though, it would be between these three leather jobbers, because I am a fancy birch.
THE PERSHING
Look at this thing.
Seriously. Look at it. It’s yellow, sort of, with serious curves, but not in a weird ‘80s coke den kinda way. Clearly this guy needs a white wine. Honestly, he needs Chardonnay. The trouble with Chardonnay is it can be hard to get a good one at a good price point. Kind of like a sofa.
THE WELLS
Clean lines, yet cushy. “Slim thicc.”
You can’t go wrong with a classic peanut butter / baseball glove / insert edible or non-edible tan substance of your choosing. What I really like about this one is how skinny the arms and frame are, which means it takes up less of a footprint in your space while not compromising on comfort thanks to the oversized cushions. This needs a light-to-medium-bodied red (my personal fave). I’m gonna go with Carignan here.
THE ROLLINS
So classy!
I guess it’s the tufts/buttons I like so much here? This couch seems like it belongs in a hip gallery where you’re allowed (or even encouraged) to sit and stare at the art. Even hip galleries are usually shit at wine selection for openings, though, so this is probably getting paired with a $10 bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon that you can buy at the grocery store (unless you’re in Maryland).
Also, Henry Rollins would approve. Although he might be straightedge.
THE TIMME
I don’t want to ruin the pure artistry of this post, but I will. There’s plenty of whine being paired with the couches in whatever hotel is unfortunate enough to house the Gonzaga University men’s basketball team tonight, after their delicious defeat on national television at the hands of the Arkansas Reznorbacks. Gonzaga is a private Jesus freak school that attracts basketball superstars, some of whom bear unfortunate resemblances to the Osmonds and/or Meathead of All in the Family. I don’t really do wine, thanks to my Miller High Life palate, but with Gonzaga being located in the geographic hotbed of vineyards known as Jeremy Spokane, WA, I will recommend the highest-rated establishment there, Barrister Winery. In fact, they have a wine that I might actually drink, with an appropriate name for the Zags’ most recent performance: Rough Justice. Bottoms up, fellas. #gohogs
This is Drew Timme
His arms are way too skinny
Sorry for your loss
